Royal Baby Mama Drama: Let’s Be Real, Duchess Catherine, No One Looks THAT Good After Having a Baby

Britain's Royal Family grew this weekend as the Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge welcomed their new baby girl. The little princess was born Saturday morning, and Kate and William were out and about later that day. Everyone in the UK was pretty much freaking out over the princess, so her mum and dad (*see what I did there? I think everyone says "mum" instead of "mom" in England... or at least they do in all the annoying cartoons my kid watches) took to the streets to wave at their adoring fans.

Look at these photos posted by The British Monarchy earlier. Just look at how perfect Kate Middleton is mere HOURS after giving birth.

There is no way the Duchess hasn't made some sort of deal with the devil to look that good just a few HOURS after popping that kid out. She is defying all the laws of physics/nature. HOW DO YOU LOOK THAT PRISTINE AFTER HAVING A BABY LIKE TEN SECONDS AGO, KATE? 

What is your secret?

I looked like a female version of the Unabomber for a solid month after I had my daughter. I wandered about my house in stained yoga paints, eyes glossed over from sleep deprivation, hair frizzed up to heaven, and wearing a shirt that (no matter how often I changed) was covered in spit-up and dried formula.

I was a hot mess--no, wait: I was a cold mess. The phrase "hot mess" would imply that I had time to allow my mess to warm to room temperature, and I didn't have a second to spare. I used to eat leftover spaghetti straight from the Tupperware because I was too busy/frazzled for proper meal prep.

I looked like a lady yeti, and Catherine, Duchess of Fancy Pants, looks like she sprang forth from a spread in Rich Folks magazine. I realize she probably had a fleet of hair stylists and makeup artists at her disposal, but still...ugh... I bet someone did her hair while someone else expertly applied her Guerlain cosmetics, and birds chirped "God Save the Queen" while butterflies painted her nails and tiny, newborn foals pranced about and geese laid Faberge eggs... or whatever rich people do.

I don't know. I am poor.

I don't think I even WORE makeup for a few weeks after Dolores was born. My face was puffy and in a permanent scowl (at least when my husband was around). The bags under my eyes were so huge I wouldn't have been able to bring them on an airplane. I was all blotchy from crazy hormone swings and crying at stupid things like Friends reruns and this Pampers commercial. Oh, and I was still all swollen and fat and basically a stunt double for the Stay-Puft dude from Ghostbusters.

All I'm saying is NO ONE looks that good after having a baby... but I guess the rules are different for princesses. While Kate is feasting on Waygu beef in truffle sauce and caviar salted with peasant tears, I'll be over here eating stale, store-brand pop tarts. God bless America.