Summer is The Worst Season and I Totally Hate It

Summer is literally THE WORST. It is the brussel sprouts of seasons. It is hot. It is humid. It is miserable: it is pretty much hell on Earth.I hate summer. I hate it with all of my frigid black heart. I want to be cold 24/7, so summer is the antithesis of joy. It is a hot, sweaty vacuum that steals all the happiness from my life and leaves me a literal HOT MESS. Unless I am in a pool or on a beach, summer is of NO USE to me. It is a vast, desolate wasteland I am forced to waddle through every year. Did I mention I hate it?

But Meg, you protest, how can you hate summer so much? I get it--you'd think someone whose last name is SUMMERS would be all about this time of year, but that is not the case. I straight up HATE summer, and here are all the reasons why.

HEAT: We begin with the obvious. In a perfect world, it would never be hotter than like 74 degrees outside. I can even handle the low 80's, but once we're over 85 I AM DONE. By the time August rolls around and it's 102 degrees outside, I start fantasizing about moving to Alaska or Canada or anywhere but here. And who doesn't love those $75 million power bills you get every month because you're trying to keep your house cool? Or getting into a car that's basically a convection oven until the A/C kicks in?

HUMIDITY: Dry heat is one thing, but humidity: no... just.... NO. I went to Corpus Christi once and it was like 115 degrees outside, but I didn't notice because the humidity was so low. THAT AIN'T HAPPENING IN ALABAMA. Add 80% humidity and 90+ degree heat, and you have HADES. You end up drenched in sweat because there's nowhere for it to go--it can't evaporate because the air is already gross grossness. Humidity frizzes up the hair you spent an hour curling. It melts your makeup. It collects at the back of your neck in beads. It makes you feel like a swamp monster.

INSECTS: Summer is like peak bug season. DISGUSTING. That means I get to see a dang plague of grasshoppers, mosquitoes, flies, and other pests every time I set foot outdoors. Oh, and bees-- SO MANY BEES. I know honeybees are vital to the ecosystem, so I'm not hating on them; play on, playas. I'm talking about wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, and all the other jerks of the insect world. They see you out on a picnic and are like, "Oh, hey! Let me swarm around your food and then get super aggressive when you try to get me to leave." They're pretty much like that one relative you didn't invite to the cookout but he showed up drunk anyway--except they can sting you. I see a bee and I'm OUT.

SPORTS: There are zero good sports in summer. Baseball? Not interested. Tennis? LOL. Soccer? Maybe--some of those dudes are pretty easy on the eyes if y'all get what I'm saying. Golf? Zzzzzzz. I hate summer because it stands between me and my favorite season: Football. I actually count down the days until kickoff. ROLL TIDE.

FOOD: I have no issue with any food. Ever. I am an equal opportunity foodie. My problem with food in the summer is this: you eat it, and then you're miserable. If you eat a full meal and then go outside you're in agony: hot, sweaty, bloated agony.

CLOTHES: People get wicked judgmental in the summer. Maybe the heat goes straight to a person's brain and limits his/her ability to act like a decent human being. I don't know. I'm not a scientist. I do know that it's June and I am already sick of seeing people post stupid memes and someecards making fun of fat people. Like, LOL FATTIES CAN'T WEAR SHORTS or WHY IS THAT WHALE WEARING A SWIMSUIT? LOL LOL LOL FAT PEOPLE ARE DUMB. People looooove body-shaming in the summer, and I am not down with that. People should be allowed to wear whatever they want (within reason-- you can't wear Speedos to church, ok?) without the fear of being judged. I have a friend who took a picture of a girl at the mall--just a regular girl at the mall--and posted it to Facebook, mocking the girl's "fat" legs. That's MEAN. All bodies are good bodies, and if you don't like the way someone's legs or stomach or arms look that's YOUR problem. Be an adult and shut up about it.

FOMO: Summer is when FOMO reaches its apex. (FOMO, btw, means Fear of Missing Out.) Friends are posting pictures of pristine beaches, blue pools, music festivals, and steaks on the grill, and where are you? At work. Or dealing with your toddler's fifth temper tantrum. Or just sitting by a fan because GOOD GOD IT'S HOT OUT THERE. Pretty much everyone you know is doing something cool and awesome right now, and you are not. Thanks, summer--I hate you.

There are many more reasons I loathe summer so--what about y'all? Are you a fellow summer hater? Or do you think I'm being ridiculous? Let me know what you think in the comments below.