Life as a New Mom: Lice, Lice Baby (Excuse Me While I Wash Or Burn Everything I Own)

Kids get lice. It's a fact of life. I knew there was a chance my kid would get lice, but that didn't stop me from having a full-out DEFCON 1 meltdown last night. Y'all, my daughter had lice. Help me.

Before I get started with this edition of "Life as a New Mom," let me say this: children get lice. Lice isn't some scourge of the lower class. My daughter isn't the protagonist in a Dickens novel, okay? And lice isn't something that only happens to people who don't bathe. My daughter is not Pigpen from Peanuts. I've had plenty of girlfriends whose children have gotten lice, and every one of those kids was always squeaky clean. I don't think that getting lice means a child is dirty or gross. The bugs themselves are nasty as all get out--not the children. Lice happens. It happened to me yesterday.

My little lady had just gotten out of the tub, and I was combing through her pretty blond hair when I saw something MOVE. I pushed a section of hair aside to get a better look, and there (to my abject horror) was a louse.

Louse is the singular form of lice, right? What a weird word: louse. Anyway, let's skip the vocabulary lesson and get to the point where I screamed like a coed in a Wes Craven movie. I made my husband pick the louse out with tweezers. We Googled "lice" to confirm my suspicions, and I proceeded to FREAK OUT.

I wanted to bleach and burn everything in the house. Y'all know I hate any and all insects, so the idea of bugs in my daughter's hair--bugs hanging out and breeding and laying eggs and being nasty and drinking blood and just creeping all up in her scalp--was TOO MUCH for me.

Can I also note that just thinking about lice makes me want to scratch my scalp off? Every time I type "lice" or "louse" I start itching. Is that normal or am I just a neurotic freak show?

We went to Walgreen's and picked up a special conditioning rinse along with a few shower caps. I applied the rinse according to the directions and popped a shower cap on my kiddo while the conditioner did its thang, and then I combed through her hair for a solid 45 minutes.

She doesn't have thick or long hair; I just wanted to be 100% sure she didn't have any nits. Uggggh: nits. NITS. That's what lice egg sacs are called. NITS. Could that word be any more weird? Thankfully, her scalp was a nit-free zone. I think I must have lucked out and caught her case of lice early.

I want to nip this in the bud. I want any and all lice that have been or could be hear my child DEAD. I want to murder every louse in the house, so I've also washed all my daughter's sheets, pillowcases, toys, hairbrushes, and combs. I think I am doing this correctly, but I can never be sure--being a mother means constantly thinking that your actions are wrong or somehow inferior.

Have your kids ever had lice? What did you do? Help me out and share your advice in the comments below. If y'all need me, I will be washing my hair for the 10,345th time.